A deeper understanding why couples fall on love
“To love and to be loved is the grateful feeling on earth ”.
Every person wants to be loved, respected and appreciated. In marriages, love creates mutual feeling which is the basis of a happy marriage.
What happens when we fall in love?
Basically, love is the foundation of a relationship. But sometimes differences, misunderstanding and other pressures may impact on a relationship causing the love which couples have been happily sharing to be under threat and if the situation gets out of control, such a relationship may end up in havoc and mayhem as it becomes severed.
To get a deeper understanding and insight of what binds couples together in a relationship, we need to have an understanding about the nature of human being, their growth of development and how human beings fit into the larger scope of a happy marriage/relationship.
Normally, human beings are products of nature with a humble beginning in life. We are all raised from infantry to adulthood. During this period of care and nurture, we depend on our parents or caretakers for our basic needs and wants. When our parents/caretakers provide us with love, tender care, safety and sustenance to both our physical, mental, emotional and psychological needs, we grow up to a state of aliveness, joyfulness and well-being. We remain whole, focused and rational.
But there are many pressures and activities that our parents/caretakers get involved in, hence they will never be available always, and thus they may fail to fully understand all our needs-both emotional, sensory, mental, physical or psychologically. They may also fail to meet all our demands. They may be involved in career work, may have limited budgets, they may be busy or get in bad moods such as become depressed or angry or tired and thus may not be at a position to clearly relate to all our needs.
This my pose some elements of insecurity and fear in our lives. When our needs are not fulfilled, some pain or discomfort sow a seed in our lives. Now, because we are young and immature, we fail to stop the growth of such discomforts and to restore some sense of safety.
Also as we grow our caretakers model us to fit in the society. They teach us how to socialize with each other. We learn what it takes to gain respect, love and acceptance by others. We suppress any part of ourselves that the society finds unacceptable. The society dictates how we are supposed to live and we end up as shadows/silhouettes of our true selves as we try to please and fit in the society.
Now all this show how nature suppresses parts of our true selves, unconsciously as we mature to adulthood. As grown ups, we gain independence and some sense of control and one may try to restore the sense of joyfulness which was once of our lives.
Falling in love eventually.
That’s why we fall in love. When we meet the person we presume is the right one, we believe that we’ve found that sense of aliveness/joyfulness. We do all sorts of funny, sexy or sometimes childish things because of the aliveness in us. We feel some sense of safety and security engulf us. Our aliveness and joyfulness gets restored.
But often, after marriage or moving in together, things take a different turn. We began to see our partners differently that we presumed they are. Their character, actions or words predisposes some values and qualities which we can’t bear. This restores back the old pain and torment because we realize that our partners can’t love and care for us as expected. We become disillusioned. Anger creeps in we feel cheated.
We feel the best way to our aliveness is to manipulate our partners to succumb to our pressures and give us love through intimidation, anger, criticism etc — whatever that works, we apply.
This may go on for some time until enough is enough. We end up separating.
In simple terms, you are living with an imago partner. A partner who is unqualified to give you love and support that you need. To restore your aliveness you need imago therapy.